Lighter Me!

To anyone who still follows this blog, bless you! My silence has been sinful. I can only offer this piece of news in hopes of forgiveness!

I started a bariatric diet on January 7th and thus far I have lost...

55 lbs!!

I hope those of you who have thought of me (like the dear Katie J) are as excited as I am!!


All of these weeks I have been on a doctor monitored low calorie diet, only 600-800 calories a day. I am about to go up to 1000 calories a day and begin working out. I only hope this next phase is as successful as the last :)

A Post

So if you haven't looked at my new blog yet..

I'd like for you to see this post. I almost put it on this blog.

The Weigh Down

<3<3

...Okay so I did leave you.

There are really no excuses for it. As you can tell, I fell off of the blogspace world after my little dog died. I know, it's crazy how attached you get to them! And after I got out of the habit of hitting the gym, I just slacked off completely.

But now I am back! And with help! My dear friend Haley has decided that she wants us to commit to losing weight together and I think it is a fabulous idea. We officially start keeping track of everything and working out together on Monday!

A lot of my friends have told me that they could really tell I was losing last summer when I gave it go with all my dear readers' help. And now I am on better medication to take care of my PCOS, so hopefully I will find quicker success to keep me from getting unmotivated. Apparently it is going to take not only the support from here (which ones of you who are still active), but also teaming up with Haley. LoL. I guess I'm stubborn.

As for blogging these days, I am not sure how much I will update this one anymore. I may use this blog for more personal things than just weight loss. But Haley and I will be blogging all about it in a new blog. Here is the addy!

http://haleyandkatiegoskinny.blogspot.com

If any of my blogger friends from here also pick up this new blog, I am very excited for you to get to know Haley! She is one of my best friends and so very funny. Not only is she trying to lose weight, but stop smoking as well. Haley might be a little crazy by the end of this. :)

I didn't leave you!

Hey everyone! I just wanted to let everyone know that I am still here!

My darling Boston decided she was going to chew up our internet card. (We use the wireless access card thingy)

It's been a few weeks, I know, but Micah and I decided that instead of replacing the card we would switch to satellite internet. Just waiting on the install on it!

As for my weight loss journey, I haven't picked back up since we lost Marshal. But I have promised all my friends and family that I will be heading to the gym Monday morning.

I had commented on my comments that we brought a new puppy into the family after Marshal passed. Well.. the little guy got sick and passed away on us after only having him for a couple of weeks.

I have the worst luck with dachshunds apparently. We will be bringing another puppy into our family someday, just not any time soon.

Morale is definitely back to normal in our house though. I never realized how attached I was to Marshal until I lost him. For a couple of weeks I kept finding his toys tucked away under various pieces of furniture. Made it tough to get through.

What I never got to mention was the addition of Major to our family though! I adopted a lab mix puppy for Micah for his birthday not three days before Marshal passed. He is an outside dog, very much a man's animal too. He is rough and tumble and loves for Micah to get out in the yard and wrestle with him. I will be getting pictures up asap!

I had mentioned having a hard time before Marshal died, but lord it got worse after. I bogged down into a funk big time. I seem to come back to normal now though. I can think and speak of Marshal fondly now rather than tearing up. There are so many funny stories to tell about him, I'm glad I've got to that point.

Well I have rambled on and on as usual. I am so sorry that I have fallen behind on all of your blogs! I have a lot of reading to catch up on when our internet connection is resumed!

Love you guys!

Goodbye, my little ninja.

This is a horribly difficult post to make. We lost out little man this weekend.

Marshal was a complete joy to have. I am so thankful to have had him for this year and a half that we have. He was hilarious, and affectionate. He was my little warrior. There was never a strange person or dog that he felt he could not conquer.

I am going to miss you so much little buddy. I will miss you bringing me your favorite toy of the moment into the bedroom first thing in the morning and dropping it by my face. I will miss your little mischievous growl when you were wrestling with Maddie. Thank you for all the happiness you gave in your short life.

He never knew what happened. He was defending the house from a vehicle coming up our long drive way and never knew that it hit him. I am so thankful it was quick. My little warrior died being the courageous defender he always was.

It will be a few days before I blog again. There are a lot of pictures of my little man on here and it really hurts to look at them.

The Post Off The Wagon Weigh In

I lost another pound!

No, I have no idea how that happened either. Last week was filled with all kinds of cheating and being lazy.

But hey, I'll take it. :)

My husband's birthday is on Thursday. He will be turning 24! He is 6 months younger than I am.

He and I will be doing some work on our other house this week, getting it ready to sell. I probably wont be blogging a lot this week.

Even though my weight hasn't changed much, most of my friends have told me that I look a lot slimmer. Not sure if it's muscle weight or something that is keeping my weight from changing, but I'm happier with looking thinner.

And besides that, I can tell a big difference since I started working out. I can run up and down stairs more easily, I have a lot more energy during the day... and (family members shield your eyes) I have been, how shall I say it? ... Attacking my hubby in the bedroom. Just pouncing on him and demanding some sweaty, flip you around all over the bed and standing on your head even though you'd never do it any other time kind of marital relations.

I can't wait to see what more weight loss will bring!

Okay okay... I confess.

I have been horrible this week. HORRIBLE. I have only worked out twice, and for supper every evening I've ate crap. Arby's, Guthrie's... Even pizza one night!

I don't know what has been wrong with me this week. I haven't really felt like doing anything. I haven't straightened my hair or anything, I just keep on letting it air dry and flipping it up in a pony tail.

My doctor and I have had a few talks about clinical depression. I have talked with miss Jogging Auburn about this a little in email (Who is doing great btw, she is getting closer to that mile! ♥). I've been told by a couple of doctors that I have clinical depression. I really don't know how I feel about all that. I recognize when I am exhibiting symptoms. This week was definitely a bad week symptom wise.

But I'm not really sure that I want to go the Western medicine route on this. I do not want to be dependent on anti-depressants. Do not get me wrong here, I believe in anti-depressants. I have several friends and plenty of family that take them or a medicine similar to them. They work for them, I'm happy that it does and encourage them to continue with it.

I just think that since I've never started taking anything, even though I was prescribed some last year, I do not want to start. I am not the most knowledgeable person medical field wise, though I have been working in it for a long time. I really think the shifts in my mood are more hormonal than anything. Which will change drastically when I shed some weight.

There were a couple of really bad years for me. I cannot believe I will bring this up since I do have some family that read this, but I am in the confessions type of mood. The BFF can attest to those couple of bad years. I really didn't have much to do with anyone. I went to class, then went back to Micah's apartment. He worked two jobs then so I could literally stay at his apartment until 10ish every night completely alone. And that's how I wanted it.

I can even remember sitting on his couch with the T.V. on plenty of nights, but not really seeing what was happening on the screen. I would just sit there and look at the T.V. for hours without comprehension. I would wait for him to leave for work so I could be alone.

And that's horrible. I have always been deeply, irrevocably in love with him. But I just wanted to be alone.

I probably really really needed to be on some drug therapy during those long months. I hate it because those were suppose to be some of the best years of my life. It was right after I had gained so much weight when my PCOS finally reared its ugly head. I simply was not myself.

I was lost.

BUT. The good news is that I am nothing like that now. Still fat, but you know... I'm happy. Really. Sure I wanna be thin. I want to wear cute clothes. But I am still happy as I am now.

I get bummed sometimes, like this week. It's like being in a cloud for a few days. I'm not sure if anyone can understand that. It's like I'm there, but not really there. I can't find motivation for anything. But I come back out of it. Micah and the BFF are really good at picking up on these phases now and shake me back out of it.

Happier Topic!!! Laurell K. Hamilton responded to me on Twitter!! I screamed like a little girl! It went something like this:

I noticed one of her tweets said:
LKHamilton Most of the morning was talking myself out of cool scene that led nowhere. Just beacause it's cool doesn't mean it belongs in the book.

So I responded:
KatieBell28 @LKHamilton Would be cool if you could do a collection of "deleted scenes" like they have for movies on the dvd! ♥ Merry Series!

And she replied:
LKHamilton @KatieBell28 I've contemplated deleted scene book, but it be so random not sure it would make sense. Besides sometimes I can recycle scenes.

Eeeeeee! I LOVE Laurell K. Hamilton. She is probably in my top three favorite authors. Even if she only responded to a silly little tweet of mine, I am so stoked! (for those of you that have never read LKH, she is a horror/fantasy writer. There are a lot of sex and gore in her books, so don't run out and get one if you are easily offended!)

.... You know, I told myself I would try and not make such long posts. Ahh well. Will do better next post ;)

Drop Dead Diva

I am a member of a couple of different weight loss communities and I'd seen people mentioning the show Drop Dead Diva. After hearing the jist of it, I was somewhat leery. This show could easily be riddled with fat jokes and scenes of hissy fits over having to wear "grandma panties". Yet I noticed a couple of positive comments and decided to DVR it just to see what's up.

And... I love this show.


Brooke Elliot portrays Deb/Jane. The running plot line is that Deb was an aspiring actress/model who was about to be engaged into a totally dreamy and successful lawyer. (More on him in a minute.) As she is on her way to audition to be one of the Prize girls on The Price is Right, she is killed in a car crash. As she goes to the pearly gates to be judged whether she has been good enough to go into heaven, she is judged as being neither bad nor good. She is a zero, and Fred, who is her afterlife guide, starts talking about how she is the only true zero he has ever seen. Deb reaches up and hits the "return" key on his keyboard while he is talking and she is suddenly sent back to earth. Instead of returning to her old self, however, her spirit is sent into the nearest vacant vessel. Deb is suddenly now Jane, a very intelligent and somewhat hefty lawyer. She has Jane's body and her intelligence, but all of Deb's memories. Fred is demoted for the incident and sent to earth to babysit Deb/Jane, calling himself his guardian angel. Thus Deb begins on this surprisingly refreshing and amusing journey to discover the meaning of inner beauty. Brooke Elliot is a very strong actress. She easily makes you giggle with her girly antics, yet can just as quickly bring you to tears.


Jane's poignant stares at the hero in this series will make your heart ache for her. Jackson Hurst portrays Grayson Kent, who was about to propose to Deb. Grayson does not know that Deb has returned in Jane's body and comes on as a new lawyer for the firm that Jane works for. He speaks of Deb with Jane often and they are beautiful scenes. Jane refuses to tell him what is happened because she is convinced that he would never want to love her looking like she does now. These two are both talented actors. Plus that and, Jackson is just completely dreamy. That makes this show even better!

Kate Levering plays another lawyer at the firm named Kim who is a very aggresive type. She obviously has her sights set on Grayson and is a rival of Jane's, often trying to steal the spotlight from her as they compete for partner. Levering does a wonderful job making you love to hate Kim and wanting to shoo her away every time she gets anywhere close to Grayson!


Another noteable performance on this series is April Bowlby, who portrays Deb's best friend Stacey Barnett (Barnett was my maiden name, so double plus for this show!). Bowlby portrays an almost perfect ditzy blonde model, but gives the character a lot of heart at the same time. You find yourself actually liking Stacey despite the fact that she can be just a tad snobby. At first Stacey tried to get Jane to lose weight, but eventually confesses that the newly intelligent Deb/Jane will leave her behind because pretty is all that she can do.

Margaret Cho plays Jane's assistant Terri and is hilarious. When she was hitting on the ex prisoner in last night's episode I was giggling like a teenage girl.

The only complaint I have about this show is Fred. The character has so much potential but he is barely present! Ben Feldman is adorable and charming and Fred could be such an interesting facet to the storyline if he only held a smidge of power. Yet Fred has been rendered to a human like state and is mostly occupied by his crush on Stacey. I hope that more is planned for Fred in the future!

The show has so much heart! There are so many little quirks that are just adorable, such as Jane getting a massage in this week's episode and bemoaning the fact that her new body is too ticklish for massages. It is a show about inner beauty, not just about being overweight.

And there are a ton of guest stars planned for this season. Paula Abdul, Rosie O'Donnell, Delta Burke, Liza Minnelli and Hilary Duff are all supposed to be featured in this season.

The show comes on on Sundays at 9pm ET on lifetime. DVR it, right now!

______________________

So now that I've promoted the heck out of my new favorite show, let me add some updates about me really quick! Workouts are going just fine! I've been working on increasing the length of time I spend on cardio. I weighed today and I'm still at 257. I think I probably gained a pound back over the weekend because I was down to 256.2 on friday. So we are going to report no change for this week, for weight. But I am finding that all of my clothes are looser anyway and I was able to wear a shirt to church yesterday that was just a little too tight when I first bought it.

No huge changes yet but I am keeping at it!

BTW, I saw The Ugly Truth on Friday night. I'll leave you with this thought:

Gerard Butler is quite possibly the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Pics of the day!
Click to see a larger image:

Ex's..

Okay, this is more of a random thought than anything. It really wont be long enough to qualify as a post, but important enough in my head to not just tack it onto the end of the next one.

Have you ever seen an ex of yours and instantly thought, "Thank God I did not end up marrying them!"?


Btw, ex's of mine, if I talk to you now, then I do not mean this about you. If we do not communicate, if you do not feel our past connection means enough that we should still hold some semblance of friendship, then maybe I do mean you. O:-)

Totally Tuesday

Tuesdays have always been my favorite day of the week and I really am not sure why. Maybe because it means that you have gotten past Monday, but there is still all the hope of the week to come. Yet the appeal of Friday cannot be denied, it is the last day of the work week yet the beginning of the weekend. But! I also realize the value of Sunday. Sundays are lazy. I like lazy days. It's the only day I don't feel obligated to accomplish anything except getting up and putting my face on and heading to church. Then there are those wonderful, cuddled down in the bed and snuggled up to the hubby Sunday afternoon nap/dose fests. The best are when you don't actually sleep, you just sort of drift in and out of that sleepy void.

Have you ever taken a step back and thought, "Wow. I'm living in a soap opera right now."? I have. Right now in fact. Though oddly enough, my own little life holds very little drama, it is the drama of everyone I hold nearest and dearest. I am playing the supporting character in this certain phase. I'm certainly okay with a supporting role in the light of all these situations. Got a younger brother who is having a baby with his even younger girlfriend... this anticipation of wedding vows is a no-no in the way the both of us were raised. Nothing you can do about that now except roll with it though. So I'm just going to be excited that I am going to be an aunt! I think my parents are slowly settling into the idea of being grandparents, they just had to adjust to letting their church family know it was an out of wedlock child.

Remember, I live in Alabama, part of the Bible Belt.

Then I have a best friend who has had some serious significant other issues. Cheating and what not. When you care for a friend that much, you feel like you are going through it with them.

Weight Loss: I have been to the gym 2 days in a row! It seems I gained a couple of ounces back over the weekend, but I'm not that worried about it. Though I have decided that I am changing my weigh-in day to Mondays. So I'll wait until Monday to post my next weekly weight. Workouts are getting easier to finish and I'm actually enjoying my gym time.

BTW! I just accidentally figured out that if I hold CTRL and scroll in on my mouse... firefox zooms in! Is that not fantastic? I am probably the last person to realize this, but I was amazed. I zoomed in and out for at least 5 minutes making little "woooOOOO....WOOOoooo" noises.

I hope everyone is enjoying their week! And can you believe I have over 20 followers now? It's awesome. I never thought I'd have over 5 or 6!

I'll dedicate this post's photos to me and my only sibling, who is about to make me an aunt!

Click to see larger image.

Here Comes The Pain!

Or something like that. My plan for the week is to workout Monday-Friday. Every day.

I will more than likely be very grumpy on Friday. Hehe.

So I said several posts ago that I would talk about my Poly cystic ovaries syndrome. I think you and I have gotten to know each other well enough that I can share some of these horrid details. If there is a condition that is worse for a woman to suffer from (that isn't life threatening), I do not know of it.

Reasons that PCOS sucks:

• There is a chance that I will never conceive naturally.

It takes away the ability to fulfill that primal, instinctual urge that most women feel. And when I do decide to have children I will more than likely have to take fertility treatments, the same kind that Kate from Jon & Katie + 8 took! I might be the next Octomom!

• Weight Gain.

When I hit 18, I ballooned up 80lbs. I have added onto that as the years have passed. It makes losing weight a lot more difficult because of the whacked up hormones. And I have mostly gained it on my belly and waist, so I have a "beer gut".

• Man hair. Yes, man hair.
  

I get whiskers, real whiskers. As if a double chin isn't bad enough, add some man whiskers onto it. That's attractive. And it isn't just facial hair, my body hair has gotten darker and longer as well. I'll be Werewolf Girl soon.

• Skin Tags.
  

My neck and under my arms are speckled with skin tags that have come up in the past few years. They are so annoying! And I know they are fairly easily removed but I am afraid that it will hurt, and I'm a wimp.

• Dark Skin Patches.
  

I get areas of dark skin on my ankles and in between my thighs. Try to be sexy with that going on!


PCOS = The Unfeminine Syndrome. I am slowly turning into a man. I've been told that the hormonal changes shouldn't have this effect, but I find myself with a shorter temper than I might have had in years past. Sometimes I react to things like a man would.

Birth control pills and Metformin help keep all these things from getting worse, but they really haven't done much reversal in symptoms.

So all you people who thought I was fat just because I sit on the couch eatin tater skins, that's not true! My diet has never been "bad". I am not a junk food junkie. It's been mostly hormonal for me.

This is a battle against mother nature as much as it is a test of will. I have to work just a little harder to shed this weight.


So now that I have completely grossed you out and you will never look at me the same way again! Let me continue my photo sharing of the people I love the most.

Click to see larger image:

Jen at priorfatgirl

I know that most of the people that read my blog already read priorfatgirl, and she needs support from her fellow bloggers. She lost her mother in an accident last evening.

http://www.priorfatgirl.com/

First Victory!

I have been working out at the gym for a week now and I have lost:

2 lbs!

Yes, I probably could've lost more. But it took me a little while to really settle into my new diet. I have only been strictly adhering to my diet since Monday. (And I cheated and had spaghetti a couple nights ago! Someone smack me!)

I am still so very excited though! 2 lbs when I only worked out 3 days (one of those today), and I even cheated on my diet a little! Today I am feeling like this is so doable! I can beat this. I will wage this war against myself and food, and I will win. I will conquer!

Here I come skinny jeans!

These are thumbnails; click to view larger image.

Checking In!

I am so into this blogging thing! I actually look forward to being able to work on it. I will be a little more picture crazy... Not only with pictures of my pets but of my friends as well. I will try and keep them all organized in the other picture blog, but I will be sharing them some on here too.

Oh! I have something I want to share with all you! http://www.hungry-girl.com/ A friend of mine sent me the link on Facebook earlier and its adorable! I've already found a few recipes I am going to try.

Fitness

The diet and exercise plan is actually going really well. I'm still in the take off phase of the Ameri Shape plan, so my food choices are limited right now. Still, it's been easy to follow. I've basically been eating tons of fruit and grilled chicken. I hit the gym for my 30 minute workout on Monday and it was actually not so bad. I was a little sore today, but I think I will be fine for my return to the gym in the morning.

5 minutes on the elliptical was not nearly as hard as it was last week. In fact, for the last 30 seconds I pushed and went a lot harder than I had been the couple minutes before. It felt good.

I am quickly finding that I am liking the way I feel after I work out.

________

The BFF and my friend Haley will both be starting Nurse Practictioner school in August. I am so very proud of both of them! You two will do great! And Hay-Hay, I know this has been a rough couple of weeks for you, but it will get better :) You have a lot of people who love you.

The beginning of my picture sharing:

Dear Banana Pudding Ice Cream,

I had the best time with you this weekend! You are so soft and sweet. No one will ever be as delicious as you. It was just you and me, and a spoon. I glowed with satisfaction after our time together.

But baby, I think we need to see other people. You just aren't what I'm looking for. Please, don't be upset! I wont be seeing any other flavors of ice cream either. You are the only flavor for me.

You are perfect just as you are. You should never change a thing! But darling, I wear our love for each other on my hips.

It isn't you, it's me. I'm moving on from your sugary sweetness. I may dream of you, yearn for your touch again... But I am moving on for good! My hips will no longer bear the evidence of your taste.

We will see each other sometime I am sure. On rare occasions and only for brief quickies, just the smallest dab of you in a midnight rendezvous! But now I must be strong.

Just know that I will always love you.

Love,
Katie

You mean... I actually have to sweat?

I mean it, holy crap!

My first session with the trainer was completely unreal. We started out with 5 minutes on the elliptical, and by the end of that I was already ready to curl up into the fetal position and weep. I am so not kidding.

It wasn't just because all the muscles in my legs were burning, it was because of the epiphany that struck me in that moment. Bear with me here while I try and explain this. I have been talking about losing weight for literally, years. I was suppose to lose weight for my BFF's wedding, for this summer, for two Christmases ago, for the summer 3 summer's back... etc. I have been saying it and saying it.

Well, it was finally enough last month. I made my husband promise he would help me. I sat down and made this blog. I have watched my portion size for a few weeks now for breakfast and lunch. I researched the best way for me to go about this... I joined this Ameri Shape program last week and was super super motivated.

I am a creative person. Stories live in my head. I make up dramatic movie scenes in my head, think of the flowing flowery text that would describe that scene if it were in novel form. Naturally, I had pictured this journey in my heart and mind. I had created this story of struggle and overcoming obstacles.

45 seconds later as I huffed and puffed on this unforgiving machine, I got a sense that this will not be the glorious, easy, heavenly-light cast down upon me journey that I had pictured in my head.

Thus the inner wailing began.



The Actual Workout-

The trainer I met with today's name is Amy. She was actually super sweet and really supportive. She had a laid back personality, and though I didn't test it, I got the feeling that she definitely had a spine of steel if she needed to use it. She was not going to let me quit. The one time I looked at one of the machines in doubt, she shook her head at me and said, "I know you think you can't, but you can. You'll surprise yourself. Now get on it." You know what? I could do it! And the smile she sent me when I got it right was really nice.

Forgive me, but I do not know all the names of the machines we used, nor did I count the actual number. I know that some people read this blog to see if they want to join the Ameri Shape program when it starts back up next year. I will be more detailed after I get finished with my next work out, but we really were done in 30 minutes.

My starting off weight is officially... *drumroll* - 259.0

Typing that made me cry a little. It's hard to admit that it's really that bad. Officially that bad. The good news is that is less that I weighed the last time I went to the Dr. about a month ago. I am going to try and get a start off picture tonight, even though pictures of myself make my skin crawl.

What am I here for?!

The Goals

-To lose at least 100lbs, preferably 120lbs

-To overcome my camera phobia. I'm too fat to be in pictures with my friends and family.

-To feel comfortable, and look good, in lingerie. (So sorry to any of my family that reads that. Scar you for life!)

-To look nice in a dress at church.

-To not have aching ankles because they have too much weight on them.

-To wear sleeveless tops!

-To have my skinny self photo shoot!


The Numbers

I have to be honest and say that the numbers really don't matter to me. There isn't a certain weight that I think I have to be at. There isn't a certain size I have to wear, though I had orginally told some friends that I'd like to at least be in a size 12 by Christmas. I am not even sure if that is realistic or not. The time line in which this all happens isn't really all that important to me though. But I'd like it to be sooner rather than later.

In my head, I have 140lbs as a goal weight, which I think is 5 lbs over my ideal weight. I will worry about that when I get there. I have a long way to go.

Why Today?

So why am I blabbering about this today. Tomorrow beings Phase 1 of the Ameris Shape program for me. I will begin their 15 day take off. There is probably going to be a lot of grumpiness on this blog for the next couple weeks!

I want to go into this with my goals visualized. I picture myself posing with the BFF in a picture and not being terrified of what the little digital screen will show when we turn it around. And I picture my husband scooping me up against him, and I actually feel small and feminine rather than like a walrus. Yes. Walrus.

My weekly numbers will start on Sunday! I will have my starting weight tomorrow because I am officially going to track it with the gym scale. It all kicks off for real and forever at 11am in the morning.

Let's hear it! Go Katie! Go Katie! Go Katie! (will continue to chant this in her head!)

Hitting Rock Bottom

I do not believe that hitting the bottom can be defined as a singular event, or it wasn't for me. It was several things together. The first was shopping for a swimsuit this year. But it wasn't what you would think. I actually found an adorable swimsuit. It is black with white polka dots and baby pink trim, and I have earrings and a head band to match. The fabric is slimming and it has great bust support. So actually, I feel great being out in the suit.

So how was this involved in the rock bottom? It was when I looked in the mirror the first time I put it on. I actually went, "Wow.. I don't look so fat." Feelings I had long since forgotten flooded through me in that moment. I could remember being younger and thinner and what it felt like to get dressed up to impress a boy. The way it felt to walk out of the house with a strut.

Then there was shopping for clothes. I was sitting in my house shopping online, because I hate shopping in plus sized stores. Why do the people employed in plus sized stores always have to be skinny? I mean really... Can't they have at least one big girl behind the counter that will smile at you in empathy? Rather than the sympathy you get from the skinny cashier girls? You pay attention the next time you are in a plus sized store... skinny staff. Anyway. I was shopping online for clothes and had found all these plus sized sites. And I was just looking at these images of these jeans and thinking.. "They are so big. My butt is really that big?" I didn't order anything from them, I just couldn't do it.

I think the final event was my vacation to the beach last month. I had fun, but I just can't have as much fun as my thinner friends. My BFF was asking me if it was okay to book a condo in a crowded area because she knew how uncomfortable I am to be out in public in a swim suit. She shouldn't have to be like that. God bless her for being so sensitive to my feelings, but how bad is it when I am terrified of what people are thinking when they are looking at me. I don't care if half the people on the beach are fat like me. I am younger than most of them and surrounded by all my beautiful friends. I'm the fat friend!! Someone somewhere has probably labled me that before. I hate the thought of that. I wish I could just shrug it off and not give a crap about what people think of me. But I do care, and I can't change that.

Rock Bottom has stretched for most of the summer I think. I have wallowed in feelings of tiredness, ugliness, unworthyness. I have looked in my husband's eyes and actually apologized for not being the hot wife he deserves.

I'm sick of the bottom.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I have motivation. Let me just give an Amen to that. I have motivation. I have a plan and gym rats that are going to kick me in the behind if I don't stick to that plan. I can see light as I climb up from the bottom, and it's so pretty!

Ameri Shape Weight Loss Program

I just received a call from the Ameri Shape representative. They are running a 36 week weight loss program at my local gym. It's going to be about $50 a month for a diet plan, fitness coach and unlimited access to the gym.

There's got to be some kind of catch!

I am going in the morning to meet with them, so we'll see!

Santa is watching me.

Why is it so easy to slip up? Is it just way too easy to be bad? Or way to hard to be good?

I have reached a new level of motivation after reading some of the posts on priorfatgirl.com. She has a kick in the butt way of inspiring, especially on the article where she talks about how she found success.

I am still a newbie on this blog scene, but I dream of having those kind of results. I yearn for it! I am so going to work out right after I finish my blog readings this morning! Maybe you should go work out too!

Side note - Thanks to my husband's family for viewing this blog. Well you're my family too since I share your last name now, but you know what I mean.. the people he was born into!

Have a great day everyone!

Photo Page!

Okay, I wanted a way to put up a lot of photos and comments, and to maybe to mobile uploads without cluttering up this main page... So I made a separate blog!

There is a button to the right that says Photos! on it. That is the 2nd blog so you don't have to follow both of them. I already have up pics up the pets for all you animal lovers!

Photos.
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Welcome to Katie's Brain!

Checking in today! Well I don't have a scale yet, but I've been using the one in the mall and I have lost 8 lbs so far. I cant tell a difference yet! I am going to go stalk through Walmart here in a little while until I find one, dangit!

Today is my dedication to my blog day. I have already told my husband that I am going to stay home and figure out how to do a pretty blog. Because you need to see pictures of my puppies and stuff like that, right? Right?! You will like the puppies even if I have to stuff them down your face!

Ahem. I think I will be sending out links of my blog to my friends and family today. A little scary. It's like, they don't know this side of me. They may know I am overweight, but I do not admit that I am and we don't talk about it. I avoid family gatherings so they won't see how large I have gotten.

How sad is that? I miss out on events because I am ashamed of how I look.

Hmmm. This post turned a little more serious than what I was shooting for. Oh well! I promised myself I would be honest on this blog, and that is as honest as it gets!

Blog Makeover time! Everyone have a good day!

Bad Blogger Girl

Did you think I forgot about you?

I haven't! The sicklyness that I mentioned before has lingered for over a week now.

But I've thought about you a lot as I've been coughing my lungs out. We have some things to talk about. Yes we do. It's gonna get serious in here. There's going to be some heavy stuff thrown at you here. Sometimes it will be happy, sometimes it will be sad... sometimes it's going to be gross, awkward, maybe even steamy. But its going to be out there and I will have to deal with dealing it out to you.

(Btw, where can I find a cheap scale? The only one I could find was like $80! Do they really have to cost that much?)

Sore Throats and Heat

My plans have been wrecked! I had yesterday all planned out. Even had an idea of what I was going to write on this blog.

Yesterday was my best friend's one year anniversary to her darling new husband. Happy A!

The 28th is not only a special number for my best friend. It is also the day of my birth, February 28th. It is the day that my now hubby asked me to be his girlfriend, on my 17th birthday. It is the day that he asked me to marry him. And I married him on October 28th, 2005.

So it would make sense to make June 28th my official start up and keeping up with the numbers for my weight loss day.

But as the way of all greatly laid plans....

I am sick! I woke up Saturday morning with a horrendously sore throat. (I think my body was like, "Aww.. her hubby is going to get her up at the crack of dawn to run on Monday. Let's give her a break!") Anyway. So I've been coughing and running a fever and feeling very light headed since Saturday.

Worst of all, our air conditioner is out. Now I don't know if everyone will grasp the horror of this for me. I live in Alabama. It's suppose to be in the 90's with 60% humidity all week. It is just baking inside of our house.

So needless to say, I stayed curled up in my bed this morning. Despite the fact that our fitness plans are definitely on hold until we have some cool air and I am well again, I have some ideas of some blogs for the week.

Btw, I'm happy I don't have a fake audience. Actually seeing names of people commenting motivate me much more than pretending people. Thanks for reading with me so far :)

I ate pizza today.

I am unworthy to blog. Be back when I'm a good girl again. <3