Hitting Rock Bottom

I do not believe that hitting the bottom can be defined as a singular event, or it wasn't for me. It was several things together. The first was shopping for a swimsuit this year. But it wasn't what you would think. I actually found an adorable swimsuit. It is black with white polka dots and baby pink trim, and I have earrings and a head band to match. The fabric is slimming and it has great bust support. So actually, I feel great being out in the suit.

So how was this involved in the rock bottom? It was when I looked in the mirror the first time I put it on. I actually went, "Wow.. I don't look so fat." Feelings I had long since forgotten flooded through me in that moment. I could remember being younger and thinner and what it felt like to get dressed up to impress a boy. The way it felt to walk out of the house with a strut.

Then there was shopping for clothes. I was sitting in my house shopping online, because I hate shopping in plus sized stores. Why do the people employed in plus sized stores always have to be skinny? I mean really... Can't they have at least one big girl behind the counter that will smile at you in empathy? Rather than the sympathy you get from the skinny cashier girls? You pay attention the next time you are in a plus sized store... skinny staff. Anyway. I was shopping online for clothes and had found all these plus sized sites. And I was just looking at these images of these jeans and thinking.. "They are so big. My butt is really that big?" I didn't order anything from them, I just couldn't do it.

I think the final event was my vacation to the beach last month. I had fun, but I just can't have as much fun as my thinner friends. My BFF was asking me if it was okay to book a condo in a crowded area because she knew how uncomfortable I am to be out in public in a swim suit. She shouldn't have to be like that. God bless her for being so sensitive to my feelings, but how bad is it when I am terrified of what people are thinking when they are looking at me. I don't care if half the people on the beach are fat like me. I am younger than most of them and surrounded by all my beautiful friends. I'm the fat friend!! Someone somewhere has probably labled me that before. I hate the thought of that. I wish I could just shrug it off and not give a crap about what people think of me. But I do care, and I can't change that.

Rock Bottom has stretched for most of the summer I think. I have wallowed in feelings of tiredness, ugliness, unworthyness. I have looked in my husband's eyes and actually apologized for not being the hot wife he deserves.

I'm sick of the bottom.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I have motivation. Let me just give an Amen to that. I have motivation. I have a plan and gym rats that are going to kick me in the behind if I don't stick to that plan. I can see light as I climb up from the bottom, and it's so pretty!