Thursday, August 13, 2009

Okay okay... I confess.

I have been horrible this week. HORRIBLE. I have only worked out twice, and for supper every evening I've ate crap. Arby's, Guthrie's... Even pizza one night!

I don't know what has been wrong with me this week. I haven't really felt like doing anything. I haven't straightened my hair or anything, I just keep on letting it air dry and flipping it up in a pony tail.

My doctor and I have had a few talks about clinical depression. I have talked with miss Jogging Auburn about this a little in email (Who is doing great btw, she is getting closer to that mile! ♥). I've been told by a couple of doctors that I have clinical depression. I really don't know how I feel about all that. I recognize when I am exhibiting symptoms. This week was definitely a bad week symptom wise.

But I'm not really sure that I want to go the Western medicine route on this. I do not want to be dependent on anti-depressants. Do not get me wrong here, I believe in anti-depressants. I have several friends and plenty of family that take them or a medicine similar to them. They work for them, I'm happy that it does and encourage them to continue with it.

I just think that since I've never started taking anything, even though I was prescribed some last year, I do not want to start. I am not the most knowledgeable person medical field wise, though I have been working in it for a long time. I really think the shifts in my mood are more hormonal than anything. Which will change drastically when I shed some weight.

There were a couple of really bad years for me. I cannot believe I will bring this up since I do have some family that read this, but I am in the confessions type of mood. The BFF can attest to those couple of bad years. I really didn't have much to do with anyone. I went to class, then went back to Micah's apartment. He worked two jobs then so I could literally stay at his apartment until 10ish every night completely alone. And that's how I wanted it.

I can even remember sitting on his couch with the T.V. on plenty of nights, but not really seeing what was happening on the screen. I would just sit there and look at the T.V. for hours without comprehension. I would wait for him to leave for work so I could be alone.

And that's horrible. I have always been deeply, irrevocably in love with him. But I just wanted to be alone.

I probably really really needed to be on some drug therapy during those long months. I hate it because those were suppose to be some of the best years of my life. It was right after I had gained so much weight when my PCOS finally reared its ugly head. I simply was not myself.

I was lost.

BUT. The good news is that I am nothing like that now. Still fat, but you know... I'm happy. Really. Sure I wanna be thin. I want to wear cute clothes. But I am still happy as I am now.

I get bummed sometimes, like this week. It's like being in a cloud for a few days. I'm not sure if anyone can understand that. It's like I'm there, but not really there. I can't find motivation for anything. But I come back out of it. Micah and the BFF are really good at picking up on these phases now and shake me back out of it.

Happier Topic!!! Laurell K. Hamilton responded to me on Twitter!! I screamed like a little girl! It went something like this:

I noticed one of her tweets said:
LKHamilton Most of the morning was talking myself out of cool scene that led nowhere. Just beacause it's cool doesn't mean it belongs in the book.

So I responded:
KatieBell28
@LKHamilton Would be cool if you could do a collection of "deleted scenes" like they have for movies on the dvd! ♥ Merry Series!

And she replied:
LKHamilton @KatieBell28 I've contemplated deleted scene book, but it be so random not sure it would make sense. Besides sometimes I can recycle scenes.

Eeeeeee! I LOVE Laurell K. Hamilton. She is probably in my top three favorite authors. Even if she only responded to a silly little tweet of mine, I am so stoked! (for those of you that have never read LKH, she is a horror/fantasy writer. There are a lot of sex and gore in her books, so don't run out and get one if you are easily offended!)

.... You know, I told myself I would try and not make such long posts. Ahh well. Will do better next post ;)

8 Skinny Talkers:

Monica August 13, 2009 at 10:47 PM  

Yeah right, I LOVE long posts!

One time one of my favorite authors wrote me(Jennifer Weiner, "Good In Bed.") and I saved that email. I was ecstatic for days. Its fun to find out famous people are just regular people, too.

I had a whole 3 years of what you are describing. I was a zombie. Except during the beginning of my depression, I said mean things to nice people. I really regret that.

As long as you are snapping out of it, Im happy for you if you are happy for you :) KEEP BLOGGING! Oh and do your hair and makeup, that always helps to motivate people!

Jogging Auburn August 14, 2009 at 4:06 PM  

Yeah, do NOT be apologizing for long posts, girlie! Keep 'em coming!

I'm sending you an email ... too much to say here ... long posts are awesome but comments that are longer than the post may be breaking a social barrier. :)

Hugs!!

Hadley August 14, 2009 at 5:35 PM  

I'm with Monica and Auburn. I love long posts!

Even if you don't want to try antidepressants, maybe a therapist could be a good alternative? I got "lost" for a while in College, and my (incredibly overprotective) parents sent me to a therapist, who, despite my preconceived hatred, ended up being wonderful and incredibly helpful. They never actually diagnosed me with anything or gave me antidepressants, so it might be a good option if you're not quite at that level where's it's something, but are at a point where you're not really functioning at 100%.

It's a tough world out there. Stay strong and good luck.

Maggie August 14, 2009 at 6:10 PM  

I think there comes a time when once in a while we lose concentration and motivation. Luckily we have some people who cheer us up and inspire us to get up and start doing what we were doing. Maybe you just need to relax, be alone and think about the next steps you will be taking to succeed. Don't let yourself go down just because you didn't work out or ate a little bit too much. Just forget the past and concentrate on what's next for you!
:) *hugs*

Lisa August 17, 2009 at 1:42 AM  

I love long posts too. they always have so much content! Anyway, I suffer from depression so I could have wrote some of the things you did. glad your favorite author tweeted you! lol

myers032 August 21, 2009 at 10:31 AM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous August 26, 2009 at 9:06 PM  

I think there always can be times that you can get lost, epecially if depression runs in your family, or if you just have depressions and you don't know why.

I've dealt with this most of my life, and although I have been on meds, I have never felt they really solved the problem. Maybe they lelped mask it some, which is NOT what you really want for depression!

I'm nearly 60, and I am still in this in and out cycle that I've been in for a long time. I hate it so much for my family, my husband, my son and his family.

I want to be a normal person, whatever that is!

Michelle January 27, 2010 at 10:01 PM  

If you need medical help then you shoulf get it but if you are doing better and would like to try a natural approach first,here is what I have found after researching for a friend who lost her mother and 2 sisters in a few months
Foods can affect our moods and help with hormones. Depression can be affected by getting enough pure water, Omega 3 and 6 fatty acids, selenium, folic acid, calcium, magnesium, chromium, niacin, Vitamin D, B vitamins - all of which are best derived from food
aromatherapy using Lavender essential oil helps too
good luck :0)

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